Ms. T, Ms. N and Me

B or D

2011-08-07T07:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, right after Sahur Ms T continued doing her homework but this time with the Dad... Recently she got to choose with whom she wants to help her with either school or the dyslexia school's homework. I was merely the observer, watching them doing the additions of _ + 2 = 6. She was quick at understand the concept. My feeling? Relieved.

Next was my turn. Ms T has no option but to do English with me. What is the use of me, an English teacher of an international uni if she doesn't want me? My expertise has to be taken advantage of. So we did it...

What's written:

The bad cat hit the six pigs.

What Ms T read:

The dab cat hit the six pigs....

I know! I was proud of her getting the 6 words correct. The point is: she is still struggling with her 'b' and 'd'... She's getting there.

That is not the only thing she is struggling with. Had a short chat with her tuition Teacher T yesterday. Ms T according to Teacher T, is struggling with her confidence. I think she is getting there too....It isn't easy not to be dyslexic as it is not easy to be poor or to live in a war zone. Everyone has his or her own battle to fight. Ms T has dyslexia and I have my stupidity. What else can I say?

Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You w/ Lyrics

2011-08-05T12:47:00.000+08:00

For Ms T's sake- Part 1

2011-07-21T09:34:00.002+08:00

Last Sunday I attended a Dyslexia Seminar: Helping Parents Help Their Children. I am a parent and Ms T is dyslexic.. so I went. My expectation was very low but it was proven wrong even while listening to the first talk by Prof. Dr. Zabidi, a paediatrician from USM. I guess it would only be fair if I shared what I have gathered and understood from the talks given not only by the mentioned professor of neurology and kids specialist but also a senior lecturer, Mr. Jambunathan from Monash University Sunway Campus and none other than the one and only Puan Sariah Amirin, the President of Dyslexia Association of Malaysia (she was my ward mate in Ampang Puteri... another story to tell later).

The first talk on Overview of Dyslexia : An informative ONE!

I got very useful input on understanding dyslexia from the root. The first point: He said that the womb is the safest place in the whole wide world (which I am exaggerating) so that the brain of the baby is safe even if the mother falls on her buttocks 2 or 3 times during the pregnancy. I had in mind before that I could be causing Ms T her dyslexia because I did fall on my big ass 2 to 3 times when I was pregnant with her.

Secondly, he mentioned about how the cells in our brains are pruned. Like the way the university gardener prunes the bushes to make them look pretty. However, the pruned cells are then grown back by the help of some elements that I don't remember the names.

He also talked about some other things that were worth remembering and like a studious student, I was taking notes some suggestions on how to assist Ms T to be better at reading and to have more vocabulary. Might as well writing this is point form:

1. overstimulate Ms. T's brain with words and pictures. Always ask her to name the items she sees everyday. Dyslexic kids forget easily... I guess the pruning of the cells happens so fast!

2. overwhelm the senses by reading aloud to her. She picks up words from what she hears... instead of reading in my own room by myself, I now should go to her room and read aloud what I have let it be Dicken's Great Expectation or Botton's Status Anxiety.

3. use facial expressions when communicating with Ms T and also Ms N. Kids, according to him respond to facial expressions and eye contacts more than words. It is no use if I tell the girls to hang their towels at the towel hangers if I am yelling from the kitchen where they can't see me. The best way is to go close to them, hold their shoulders lovingly and make sure their eyes meet my eyes so that what I say will be more meaningful to them and the order will be more effective.

One last important message from The Kids Doctore is there is no magic solution. Psychological support is important and I have to remember that depression can fail even a child who doesn't have dyslexia. I feel relieved that I have learned some new things about dyslexia that helps me to understand Ms. T better. The second part will posted when the time comes... (can't write when potty calls)

Dyslexia

2011-07-14T13:42:00.002+08:00

I read two entries from two new blogs I discovered with the help from Win my friend who now resides in the states. My reading materials have the same theme since 2010. Miss T is dyslexic and she requires extra TLC. This mother is struggling because she is not used to having too much difficulties and challenges. Raising a dyslexic isn't easy. I am not an easy person myself.

Being an English teacher, I love teaching young adults how to read and write. Not to leave speaking and listening behind but to read and write are the two skills that I enjoy teaching the most. Who would have thought I would face challenges in teaching my own daughter Miss T how to read and write? So, the story begins.....

Is it all about me?

2011-01-05T11:11:00.001+08:00

No.. it is not! I haven't been writing here or anywhere else. My girl has started schooling. Main stream school. Will she survive? I pray she will.

Working Trip... or Total holiday?

2010-07-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

I thought it would be tough.. It was tough to present my paper in front of others. They are the nicest audience... Those in Bangkok was tough!

Didn't remember what I said.. I winged it!

Fin!

Posing time!

I don't really know what to say in this entry. I am basically making this blog a photo blog. I have nothing to write now. I am concentrating more on my students' blogs in http://madamzubaidah.blogspot.com. Because of this blog I had the chance to go to Australia to present my paper. The Conference Chairpersons helped to make my intention to present my paper a reality when they accepted my Abstract entitled: Can My Blog Help to Motivate My Students to Write Their Essays. If my previous students who were involved in the study are reading this entry: thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You were the best participants ever. Those from Semester 1, 2009/2010 and Semester 2, 2009/2010 were involved directly to this project. Some realized, some did not.
Time to sleep now. There might be a 3rd entry on the trip to OZ land.

Brissie Trip Part 1

2010-07-07T17:27:00.002+08:00

Will never want to study here or will never get a chance to study here?

It was an official duty therefore the attire has to be semi-official at least.

It was amazing to travel with the people we are comfortable with. I have traveled with many close friends before but never really traveled with some truly understanding people like Zai (Che' Ton) and Narmi (haven't found a nickname for her). So many things were planned by these two beautiful women. I was just tagging along as I was always the 'busy' one. Gold Coast was amazing! We parked our luggages at the Surfers' Paradise's backpackers, named Islander. Straight away we went down hunting for sourvenirs... aint' that what most tourists from our country do? There were many shops and we were lucky to find a shop that was full of Indonesians shopping. We couldn't buy anything that first night at the shop because it was too crowded and we immediately label the shop, Indon Shop. The owner was not an Indon, as he is a Malaysian Chinese who has migrated to Gold Coast and his boy speaks English as L1.

Surfers Paradise

The beach was lovely. I can't imagine how it is in the summer. It must be full of boys and girls wearing almost nothing. I change my mind. I can imagine. The beach is undergoing facelift and hopefully next year in July (plan to take the girls there) the beach will be ready and pretty.

Brisbane at Nite

This is Brisbane, the focus is given to Queen Street. That's where the shopping malls are. Amazingly, halal food outlets are everywhere. Mana nak dapat makanan halal kat negara orang puteh but there, every other food court has halal certification signs. I intended to eat Waghyu but of course, I changed my mind. I was trying to save money to buy things for the girls and friends.

errr with the bosses... agak mengjanggalkan

Penat: will continue (hari ni cuti sebab tu ada masa)

New Discovery... you are not the only one

2010-05-13T11:14:00.000+08:00

I have just discovered something new too. I am able to stand on my own feet.

My Familia!!!

2010-05-03T13:28:00.001+08:00

Don't mess with this family... I am warning you!!!

My friend Tij...

2010-03-05T09:41:00.002+08:00

      I love reading this particular blog. It is own by my best friend, Tijah. I don't get to read her blog everyday... that is she doesn't up-date her blog everyday too. Let's go straight to the point. In one of her entry, she discussed about women being scrutinized for not being active members of the society. I am not sure who said that to begin with, but I am so sure that the person has his penis hidden in between his balls (assuming it was a man). But, if it was a woman, our own species Tij, let's just say that she doesn't live in the real world.
      I had a taste of the multi-tasking life Tij said in her entry when our maid ran away (she told the Bibik society of Taman Nirwana that I complained too much). I was washing the dishes, cooking, sweeping the floor and doing some other 'normal' tasks that women with children and husband have to do. I was physically and emotionally tired. Then I thought... most of my friends do not have maids, they have more than two kids and some have boys... Haiyo! How do they do everything everyday? Tij, I salute you for having the courage to be the woman who I can call a superwoman!! SUPERWOMAN that's what you are.. Jom.. karaoke and nyanyi lagi tu? Lagi emo gitewwwww
      As for me, I would never be as good as my friend Tij at managing life; family and career. I am happy now that I have a maid, a bit old (50 years old) but still strong. They, the Indonesians come here in different forms, some are young and honest at working like my first bibik, Ayu. Some are old but still fancy young boyfriends like my second, bibik Siti. Lastly, some are old and honest but demand higher salary for the experience like my third, Ayu. Ha!! what's this? Could it be the name?
     Not everyone has the luxury of blogging while her floor is being mopped. The house smells like lavender now. That's the luxury of having a maid at home. I have too however forget the luxury of buying a pair of shoes every month as that portion of money now has to go to paying the maid who demands higher salary. You don't have maids you can have the money for yourself. You have maids, you get to harvest more fats under your skins for sitting too long blogging or analyzing your data for your thesis.
      There are just so many pros and cons in life. It all depends on how we interpret our own life. It depends on what narrative you are writing. Tij, I wished I had your funny-ness and light-ness in handling heavy things in life.

This is the second bibik who ran away... FYI (Nasib baik dia tak bawak anak2 I larik)

My friends....and kids

2010-02-25T10:52:00.001+08:00

Korang... (uols)... What would you do if someone took a photo from your album, wherever that might be from, and posted it in her or his FB album and failed to give credit to the person who took the photo... it happened to me and I am still bugged by the fact that he or she put it there in his or her album and her friends happened to like the photo and commented all the good things about it. I was told that it is a petty doing. It is really a small matter?

Having Friends

2010-02-24T11:18:00.001+08:00

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all the support that you have given me. I have to say that my life would be so dull without you all around me, all the time or even on and off. I just wish we have more time to spend together.

Lazy

2010-02-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

feeling Lazy

There is no excuse

Just jolts of thunder tearing

the souls....

Pissing me off!!

2010-01-29T11:18:00.003+08:00

A wise man once told me, "A child so young should not be made to know that she has disabilities. It will discourage her from growing". I am not sure what early childhood educators are doing now. They have set such a high standard (the same standard regardless of the children's mixed abilities). This makes me sad. Why are we not letting our children to grow at their own pace. Is it too wrong to let them have their 'childhood'? I am wondering and I wish to have an answer to this question. I am pissed sometimes when parents gathered and started to compare their children's performances in class and they are actually talking about kindergarten!

Life sucks as adults.... don't let children have sucky life too....

While waiting for Tij

2010-01-19T13:56:00.002+08:00

I am waiting for Tij my dearest friend to come at the office. She'll be here to consult me about something. About life insurance. I am excited to know more about it or maybe will get one for myself. Thinking that even after I died, my children can still be taken cared of with the money they will get. I am swallowing too much bitterness lately. Some is because of my own wrongdoings... some comes from others. I hate too much and I love too less now.

Maybe it is time to get some coffee or write a poem while waiting for Tij to come.

Lay-park

2010-01-17T11:41:00.002+08:00

Yesterday Tij, Laila and I went out to hang out at coffee shop in AU Keramat Jaya Jusco. It was fun as we have not been meeting and gossiping for quite a long time. They noticed that I have gained weight. Hello! I was not trying to hide the extra fatty fats anyways. I had 2 cups of hazelnut coffee and two sets of samosa. Tij had that drinkable tea that I think I will try the next time I go there. Laila had the same tea Tij had and toast with S&S butter. We were catching up and talking about old times and present time. All are not single anymore therefore the essence of the conversation would be marriage and divorce. Some of our friends are still single and enjoying life and some are not enjoying life. Some are still happy with the husbands and some are not so. Some have ended the marriages and lived happier than before. Some ended the marriages and are not so happy now. Some wished the marriage ended and some wished it never ended. Some are remarried. Such is life. Some got some, some lose some. Again, such is life. No complains, just moving one.

It has been a long time since...

2010-01-09T19:22:00.003+08:00

I last blogged

I wrote a poem about pain

I had any resolution in mind

I last shopped for a handbag

I felt alone or be alone

I wanted to see the sun rose

Happy New Year 8 days too late, friends...

Bukit Putus

2009-11-29T09:58:00.002+08:00

Pergi balik Kampung on Thursday night. We had to make a u-turn in Bangi.. didn't think we could survive the gridlock traffic jam in the middle of the night. Guessed everyone had the same mentality. "Jom balik malam. Orang mesti dah pulun balik petang tadi." Yolah tu....

Once upon a time, when I used to be single, I went home to Pilahdelphia alone. Always alone. There were times when Win would like to come with me. For 5 years when I was in Gerik, travelling back to Pilahdelphia via Bukit Putus was something that I looked forward to. WJT 9134 was the car that I drove for 3 years, back and forth, Gerik to Pilahdelphia and of course I always made a pit-stop at Pantai Hillpark thanks to Kak Mimi and Kak Ellie.

Back to Bukit Putus... the road matched its name. Putus as it is, many met their death on that hilly and winding road. I love the road. Driving a manual car, I felt like a Schumacer driving the ferrari. Dang! Michelle Yeoh has to try that. Last Friday, early after Subuh (not that I prayed), we headed to Pilahdelphia at 6.50am. Cool! No Jammed road at all! SMooth flowing like Ganges river. Or is it Yamuna River?

Surprised, Nizar said "Eh! dah bukak?". More like a question. I said... "Apa Lagi Bro? IKut jalan baru!" No more Putused, winding road. A straight way to Ulu Bendul.Nice, smooth sailing. An orgasmic experience!

But, like coming, it was brief. Pleasurable moment that does not last long. Almost insignificant! I would rather take the meandering road of old, abandoned Bukit Putus. So quiet and pristine. More trees more primates to see. Shitty as it is, the old almost forgotten road has brought so much memorable adventurous experience. Most definitely the orgastically challenging.

I might, one day, drive a Lamborghini there. Who knows that God with His divine wisdom has planned something like that for me.

I would live to wait for that moment to come.

My Two Cents

2009-11-09T16:03:00.007+08:00

My Faces, Their Faces...

innocent faces
pure souls
how did they
get polluted
dirtied

innocent faces
pure souls
let them be
let them explore
the world
on their own

thinking

2009-11-03T17:18:00.002+08:00

Don't know what to say...

Life is a miserable display
With hopes crashed and folded and thrown
into the dustbin of the house you live in.

Yep!

2009-10-31T19:11:00.009+08:00

Win... of Omaha

Mumtaj... of Agra

Evil face... of Pilahdelphia

There is a resemblance? Am I right, people?

My Trip to Paradise

2009-10-29T20:45:00.002+08:00

Don't I look like a serious tourist?

Bukanlah nak bercerita pasal Bangkok lagi... saja je letak gambar I yang ini... serious rasa macam a serious tourist jalan2 kat negara orang. Bukan apa... the last time berjalan kat India, tak ada sapa yang boleh ambilkan gambar I. I aje ambil gambar manusia-manusia lain yang menarik perhatian, jiwa dan raga.

In Bangkok, not that there are no needy people you feel like you want to take pictures of, you are just astonished by their smiles... I bought a bag to put all the plastic bags of my purchases at Chaktuchak... well... the picture on the bag has a text printed on it, 'Land of Smile'. The Thais are much friendlier than us in Malaysia. Friendlier than people in the states too, I could say. In my opinion, this could be because these people are proud of themselves. Well, while other countries and people in Asia were colonized by western power, the Thais weren't. How did they do it? I have yet discovered the reasons. Maybe you all know why. The King of Thailand was seriously ill when we were there. From conversation with the buddies who took us around, I could make an assumption that they love their king, no matter what ethnic groups they are born into or what religion they embrace. I think because these people are just so friendly, they make a not- so- friendly tourist like moi friendly too. Yup... people will be friendly when they arrive in the land of smile.

Enough about Thailand and the Thais... we have to plan a trip to Bangkok my dear friends. I have talked to Tij and Mate, they both agreed to go indulge ourselves in Bangkok... the shopping and maybe the company of buddies.... (I like to call them Buddies). So... bila lagi uols... Jom la.. Dr. Sam, you are invited too.

Tetiba auntie Bai rindu Dina... tak tahu kenapa... bukannya Dina ingat auntie Bai pun kan?

Namaku Ayu...

2009-10-21T17:42:00.005+08:00

(Gambar Mak naik Tuk Tuk)

Hari ni aku belajar satu benda dengan Tij... Aku selalu wonder macam mana dia strike nama dia... macam ni... ~~dikja~~. So hari ni aku nak test jer. Pada kawan2 dari Muar, korang panggil aku Ayu Bedah... mak tak kisah.. sekarang tak kisah.. dulu kisah.

Ini dia... hihihihihi Nama mak Bai ok... not..~~ayu~~

Yeay... jadi. Thanks Che Kitty Jah. Mak ske mak ske mak ske..

FLLT 2009

2009-10-19T22:49:00.003+08:00

Planning of what to wear the next day.

The conference went well. The presentation went well. With such thorough plan done by The Language Institute of Thammasat University Thailand, most presenters presented their papers. Chad and I presented our paper. It was though as we were listened to by people who are some experts in the field of communication. I was so nervous but I could answer some questions confidently. Chad was superb. Again, I was nervous.

The photo session.

At the end of the conference, we had a photo session. After all, English teachers will always be English teachers. Picture taking ceremony is not something to be missed. Dr. Burns, Wong,McRae and some other key-speakers were there at the closing ceremony, giving short speeches one by one in which I got motivated to do more research by the end of the day. Chad left early. He was tired he said. Nizar went sight-seeing alone as I wanted to be there at the conference till the end. One thing that stays in my mind from Dr. Shelly Wong from the States. She said that the first time you present your paper at a conference, it will be more encouraging to have someone presenting with you. I did the right thing, working together with Chad on the paper. She also reiterated that by having dialogue and be open to listen to others will multiply our perspectives and help us to understand better. Philosophically, she was saying that narratives of others make us understand our life better thus these narratives will assist us in writing our own narrative in pursuing life projects that are ever-challenging. I am more than motivated to do more research. I want to work as a teacher researcher. It helps, presenting your work in a conference like this one as it really did show you how other people work.

What's left for me to do now is to write a report on the conference because I was sponsored by the university to go to Bangkok. I just wished that the uni. had also sponsored my shopping spree there at Chaktuchak and also my appetite for tom-yam for 4 nites in a row.

Finishing the tom-yam at the halal food restaurant near the hotel we were staying in.

But of course, I can never get all that I want, right? The memories of presenting the study, shopping in Bangkok, sight-seeing with Hubby (he came later to join me), Chad, Shukor and Lee (2 very good new friends) and of course not to forget, a new friend, Dr. Mehmet Celik from Istanbul will always remain in my mind. The boys who had to carry my shopping bags.

At Shilom... entertainment and shopping site.

Travelling to Bangkok_ Part 1

2009-10-15T14:53:00.004+08:00

A view from the sky

It is not as exciting as traveling to Delhi last April. Maybe this time it is for work cum holiday. I arrived at the Suvarnabhumi Airport Thailand at 11.15 AM Malaysia time. It is hot here... as hot as Delhi but then... I could enjoy Delhi's heat more.

Public taxis for comfortable and less hassle trip to the city

Chad, my research partner has been here before about two years ago. We are here to present a paper at this conference on Foreign Language Teaching and Learning. Foreign languages scare me. English is fine though... but Thai and Urdu do. In Delhi most signage are written bilingually but here, most signboards and advertisements are written in their language. Of course one should be proud of one's country's language and should not submit to foreign languages... the language of the colonizers.

The sleepy boy on board

On Saturday, both of us will present a paper on communication strategies. How communicative strategies help students to overcome their weaknesses in utilizing the language when conversing with others, others who are better English users than them. I have some ideas of what to talk about although I am not a linguistic freak like Mr. Chad. I will do well I hope.

Will be blogging from the hotel room. 3.5 star but it has the 4.5 star hotel's treatment. People here so far are way more friendly compared to our people in Malaysia. They smile and talk nice to tourists. But then, I cannot speak too soon. Will take the Tut-tut to go eat in a while. Have to wait for the sleepy boy to wake up and take us to a place that serves halal food. I need halal food!!!

To be continued... (insyallah)

Another Convo and I missed the Boat!

2009-10-10T00:54:00.002+08:00

Do not think I will ever find time to start writing my thesis...

Do not think I have the ability to ever finish it...

It has been shelved for so long...

It has been covered with dust...

So does my mind...

I have forgotten lots of things...

I have lost passion and interest...

Do not think I will be able to finish it...

Do not think I am able to do anything.

Looking Forward for the Weekend

2009-10-06T08:14:00.004+08:00

The semester is almost over. Memang menarik. To think about holiday... errr ada homework and a thesis that I have not been doing since the start of my master's programme semester. Aiyo.. procrastination. Stressed but then when I am not stressed? Friends who know me know. I need to do it. I need to do it.

Well... time time ni rasa bila menulis poem bulih tolong release the depression, oppression and suppression feelings I have. Maybe nanti the next entry I will write another one... In Bahasa Melayu. Having a hard time to write in English now... even this one bercampur campur... I am never good at anything... that's for sure.

Well.... again well is the word when you really do not know what to say or what to write. Kalau dalam communicative strategies study, there is a term to describe it... (I am going to Bangkok to present a paper that I myself do not know what it really is...)

Selamat menghadapi hari-hari akan datang my kawan-kawan.... kita jumpa di rumah terbuka Ayu Berry...insyallah...

Rasa Sakit Jiwa

2009-10-04T23:10:00.003+08:00

An Ode to None Other in My Language.

Rasa sakit jiwa
kadang-kadang

Rasa sakit jiwa biarpun
diri ini sudah
berhati-hati.

Rasa sakit jiwa
bila diuji
bertubi-tubi.

Rasa sakit jiwa
bila diri dikhianati.

RASA sakit jiwa
hari-hari.

Final Resting before the FInal One

2009-10-03T10:40:00.000+08:00

It is not easy to loose someone you love. It is also isn't easy to loose someone you don't really love. I crazily snapped this photo at the residence of M's house while waiting for her body to be released from the hospital. While close family members were waiting with her at the hospital, her close and not so close friends were waiting at home. There, on that covered-with-white bedsheet mattress M would be lied down and visited and kissed by her loved ones. I did too. So did the others who cared about her. I never talked about M in my blog before. She was the friend that I befriended with before we both joined the university. We met at the interview. The first one. She was accompanied by her mother. I was there alone. I wondered why she needed her mother there with her, attending the interview. I needed no one. I thought that she was just lucky because he mother was also educated. Mine, not so but it doesn't mean my mother is not intelligent.

M arrived later around 7. I was waiting outside with Chad when the van arrived. She was lifted. I saw her, just like Eliza, covered, wrapped in white cloth. I didn't smell any death arriving though. I was more calmed this time because I have just witnessed and experience death of a close friend, Eliza almost a month before. She passed away, Eliza. Lost her battle with liver cancer that she didn't even know she had. M didn't know what she had neither. She was having brunch with the young cousin and she passed away. Her heart stopped beating before the food she ordered arrive at the table. She left the world with her head on her coursin's lap. Her cousin had no idea what was going on. M was gasping for air. Her cousin thought she was going to be okay until her soul left her cold body. Her cousin is still in shocked.

You see friends, death is unpredictable (why am I stating the obvious here?). I mean, you do not know when you will be taken away from your loved ones. Some will suffer pain and sadness knowing that they will one day go for sure, some will not know that that morning's breakfast or that good bye kiss to the children that morning before leaving for work will be the last one. It can be expected if you are sick. I think about death everytime I get sick (even gas in my system). I think about death when I am so much in pain for any cause. I am not strong. Some welcome death when the pain is just so unbearable. Eliza was in pain for a long time. M was in pain for 5 minutes and died.

To the mother of M, I have forgiven her, I hope you will forgive me on her behalf ( I am not sure whether that is possible though). I am sure M's mother would understand. Her sisters and brother love her dearly. Her friends, which she had many love her and are still praying for her. I do pray for her. Al Fatihah for Mar.... You are missed dear friend.

They are gone. When will we be gone?

2009-09-29T12:46:00.002+08:00

My late grandfather passed away in 1987. I was very young and very close to him. I miss him. Last year, I lost both my grandmothers. This year: I lost two dear friends. Suddenly, they are gone. Three deaths of 3 30 something women I know in a month make me wonder how death does not choose who... When it is time, it is time. "Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali"...

Ntahlah... I have no point to write here... It is scary to even to think of it. Tingkatkan usaha untuk beribadah dengan lebih baik will help... maybe.

RAYA 2009

2009-09-23T11:17:00.002+08:00

Standing from left: Me, Bangah (Shaiful Bahari), Ajoy (Zulkifli), Ain Zaharah, Aban (Zulfikar), Ayek (Arifudin), Aqilah Zulfah, Haida.
Sitting from left: Mother, Nurin Batrisyia, father, errr stepmother.
On the floor from the left: Amirudin, Mohd. Nizar and Naeema Badrina

I had a wonderful raya and I think my daughters had the best raya too. My mother was happy and it was reflected from the way she smiled. My father, I have no idea what he felt but I do know that he has no plan to make my mother a happier person. There was a hint that he would sell the house where my mother and my brother Bangah is currently living in and the house that my family and I do go back to, to visit my mother. The house where my mother finds comfort all the time. I do understand why he wants to sell it off. So do my brothers. Even mother's bibik, Kak Yanti knows why.

Aqilah was not in the mood for photo shooting. She had mild fever. These three gals did not want to waste the time. Posing for Mama and of course I am a Mak Long to Ain non-stop. More pictures are posted in Facebook (much faster to upload compared to here.)

Next year, we do not know whether the liveliness of Raya celebration will be repeated. I doubt so... or maybe it will be livelierrrrr. .

So... selamat hari raya again to friends who read the blog. Maybe we will meet at open houses of friends during this Syawal.

selamat hari raya

2009-09-18T21:42:00.001+08:00

wishing those who reach this blog selamat hari raya... don't drink and drive people!

7 DAYS

2009-09-08T21:06:00.008+08:00

It has been 7 days since she left...
It feels like forever...
She is happier,
I guess_
No pain to bother her.

A teacher, a good friend, a good sister, a good student, a good person

2009-09-07T16:09:00.005+08:00

Eliza

I was in Melaka this morning and just got back. In this office, in Nilai, I feel that I have to write something about this special friend of mine. I met her in IT classes in Gombak. The first time I saw her, the word that came to my mind was, she's OCD. Well-organized and you will automatically feel ashamed of yourself when you see how she organized her notes and bags. She was very helpful and a good listener. I feel like I have known her for years. Sitting on the cold floor of her father's house I was wondering about how close she was with her other friends who came to visit her for the last time, just like me. I wondered what secrets they have shared together. She would buy me food because she knew I would not have time to grab anything as I was always rushing from Nilai to Gombak for our classes every Tuesday and Thursday. We went to see the same exhibition at the Petronas Galeria twice because we needed to know more about the paintings. We would go eat and the only thing that we never got a chance to do together was watching a movie. Eliza was such a good friend (it is so difficult for me to use the past tense form to write about dear Eliza).

I was there, sitting on the cold floor, waiting for her to arrive. The smell of death was sweet. I am referring to the smell of rose water and the flowers picked by the old ladies of the village. People were talking about the good things that she had done in her life. She had done nothing bad to anybody, knowing Eliza. I was wondering which one was her room as she always wrote of her room as the 'cave' where she would keep herself there for the whole day, studying and blogging in between.

I never expected that I could establish a friendship with anyone new at this age. I guess, you can always have special friends at any age now. I have friends whom I have known since forever, but then we have been contacting each other not real often. I have known Eliza for almost 2 years yet I feel that I have known her for years...

She arrived. Wrapped in white cloth. I was sad but I could hold my tears. I saw her and went closer, planning to give her a good bye kiss but I only managed to say "good bye Eliza. I love you." I am not sure why. I will always miss putting my head on her shoulder. I will always miss the tone of her voice when she said 'assalamualaikum'. I will always miss sitting at the comfortable sofa at the post-graduate lounge. I will always miss the smell of her powder. I will always miss they way she compartmentalized things. I will miss mall-walking with dear Eliza. I will miss trying to understand Bernstein for 2 semesters with her.

There she was, wrapped and tidy the way she liked it to be. She was cleaned and we prayed for her. The imam read the 'talqin'. Knowing Eliza, I knew she was taking notes on what to answer to the angels when she will be asked the important questions.

Today I knew her mother's name. Her name was Khadijah. Eliza binti Khadijah. She is no longer Eliza binti Parman. We will never know when our time will come. She kinda knew her time was up. She packed her bags and told her sister that she had nothing to worry about. She was always a good sister. She loved Dila very much. She was her guardian.

I wondered why she didn't fight. She was a fighter but she refused to do so this time. She knew her time was coming. She knew she had to return to Him. Take her, as she is totally Yours now.

Now the question is; what would the living do? Life goes on.

"al-fatihah for Eliza"

After Sahur Thoughts.

2009-08-30T08:24:00.005+08:00

After sahur, I couldn't sleep. Kemasing my so-called dressing table.

1. Make-ups: Threw away many expired make-ups; eye-liners, estee's lipsticks, VS make-up sets and some other items.Gave a more recent estee lipstick to Bibik.

2. Perfumes: Not ready to part from them... love the bottles. I should have thrown 5 perfumes away... I have been keeping them for more than 11 years... the smells have changed. My Spellbound and Pleasure are among the old ones... nope.. so much memories trapped in those bottles. Memory bottles I should call them.

3. Earrings: Not gold or diamond earrings... I love exotic ones... I am keeping them.

4. Bangles: Keeping.(Bought in Delhi... can never lose them).

5. Bath and body Works Lotions and body splash: Duh... must keep. All of them are still new thanks to Kak Ellie who has been supplying me with those items. Want some more when Win comes back which we don't really know when.

6. Rubbish: Thrown away. (Might keep some.)

7. Pimple cream: Thrown away. (assuming I do not have pimples anymore)

8. Key chains from Sabah and Pangkor: How did they get there? So irrelevantly placed there.

Basically, Zubaidah feels a little bit hardworking. She has been in a more collected and composed mood for the past 1 day. Thanks to Allah for making her more calmed and hope Allah will continue making her feel better. Anger will only bring disaster to her physical and mental health.

She feels she must see her friends from high school but it seems like no one is calling her anymore. She called Laila yesterday, asking her if she was interested to go to Planet Hollywood like 3 years before for breaking fast. Zubaidah really loves the pasta they serve there. She wonders if her friends are just so busy and have forgotten about her. Is she worth remembering, she asks herself suddenly. Maybe not, she answers. Well, if friends are reading, and of course friends are staying close to her, she means, in the KL vicinity or even in Seremban or Senawang, she would love to have iftar with you. She doesn't have Planet Hollywood's number therefore, she hopes that Laila might be able to arrange that. This is a plea from a friend who is almost forgotten by her friends, or maybe she is totally forgotten.

The picture? Oh ya.. those are the two friends whom I hope would do a favor in organizing this gathering for Iftar.. tengs uols.....

(Suddenly Zubaidah wonders if any would read this entry)

Waking up feeling happy?

2009-08-27T07:00:00.005+08:00

"My stunted tree of sadness"

I woke up feeling fresh when Bibik knocked on the door. I had a good night's sleep and I feel happy now and this makes me want to change the banner of the blog to ... "The Happy Me." But then, for how long will this feeling last? I am soon off to work. Will there be people asking silly questions and will there be someone try to piss me off? Or, will I ask stupid question to anyone and that anger that someone? I do not wish that to happen. I wish I can have this feeling forever but I doubt that will be the case.

Dear God, please prolong this happiness for me
.

Zubaidah is Irritated

2009-08-18T10:41:00.002+08:00

This is the status that I would love to write in my profile for FB. I did not do it. Why? I do not know. I do not know that much about anything. I just feel irritated. So irritated.

Meaning of the word irritated:

Main Entry: irritated
Function: adjective
Date: 1595

: subjected to irritation; especially : roughened, reddened, or inflamed by an irritant <irritated eyes>

My eyes is not irritated... it is my heart!!!!

feeling sick

2009-08-18T08:57:00.002+08:00

what would you do if your child is sold to the circus? I am just feeling sick and really tired but then it is not the reason why i should be cruel.

In Life

2009-08-13T12:17:00.006+08:00

I am feeling a bit melancholic and that is the reason the entry today is written longer than the usual. Maybe because I have not been having enough sleep for the past one week and I feel like writing about life. Here is a short passage about life.

In life, one can never have it all. In life one has to let go some and keep only a little. In life, I love my children more than anything else and I am working on being a better mother. Once a friend said to me that your children are going to be with you forever, others might leave. We never know.

In life, you can have all that you want but then you will never know when those things you own will be taken away from you. We never know. In life, some live by themselves, happy and are satisfied with what they have and are waiting for death to come and knock on the door. Some are still repenting. Some are still seeking for forgiveness from those they have hurt and forgiveness for they have sinned to God. I am still searching. Searching for what, I am not in the know. If only I knew, I would stop searching, wouldn't I? Another friend once told me that I love pain and that's why I look for one if I have none in some moments of my 33 year-old life. Having pain gives me the kicks in life. Whether it is right, I am not sure. I am sure my friend was being honest.

In life you might dream of writing beautiful poems and novels. But of course not everyone is gifted with the talent to write as most of us can think of writing but writing is not really your thing. Well, in life, one has to die too. Do I know when I will die? Do you know when your time will come?

In life, sometimes, you can only wait and see what can happen to you. In life, I have nothing, but my girls and my love for them.

I wonder

2009-08-04T10:02:00.002+08:00

I always wonder who would be my children's life companions? I wonder if I ever have the chance to see them go out with the boys they like then eventually love. Will I ever have the chance to give them advice about the birds and the bees. Life is such. You can only wonder and wonder and wait till it actually happens.

Not all were there

2009-07-16T12:05:00.000+08:00

Ayu maintain... Mate jelita, Kak chik ganteng lagi... chubby cuba hide.. the girls are adorable... and me: hiding behind Naeema what cannot be seen in Public.

Firdaus

Naeema's Private Birthday bash

2009-07-16T10:45:00.002+08:00

Naeema's Private Birthday Celebration. Kegawatan economi mama belikan 2 pieces chocolate indulgence from SR.

She was a bit disappointed though... but she loved the candles and the baby.

Happy Birthday NB

2009-07-01T08:51:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was B's birthday. The girl is 3 years old now but heck she's tall! I think both my girls are just going to outgrow me. I am short (that's why I was not eligible to apply to work with MAS even to be the person at the counter_kat counter pun orang nampak dahi jerrr). Anyways, let's go back to Naeema (notice that I have changed the name, Naeema, not B).

I had to be induced. The water in the womb was dried...didn't even know when oozed out. The same thing happened when I was pregnant with Tysha. We chose that Friday, my gynea and I. She said, it was good to give birth on a Friday and I had no choice. Getting no contraction and that morning after eating lots of Nasi Lemak, I was driven to Ampang Puteri Specialist Centre, the hospital where I was also operated for gallbladder (a year after that) and appenditicist (2 years after). Tij, you came to visit me with nasi lemak mata kerbau kan???

Pitosin... I was given pitosin (drug that helps to cause contraction). Slowly I was feeling it and the nurse added the dose and there I was screaming in pain! After two hours, Naeema was born, normal delivery... My gynea wasn't well, but she did a good job anyways. Thank you Dr. Ariza.

She was so white covered with blood. She cried on top of her 2 seconds-old lungs. She was adorable. Cute as a button. Then I fell in love with her. It took us two days to decide what to name the little button. First, I was thinking of Nurin Khadeeja, like her sister, Nurin Batrisyia, she has a Nurin too. But then, when I looked at the bundle of joy, she didn't look like a Nurin to me. Khadeeja was chosen after my late grandmother's name, Khadijah. I was not sure. We turned to the other name in the list. Naeema... and then, it was the American Top model, Naima (not sure of the spelling)... and Badrina, Initials NB just like Tysha's. She did look like a Naeema when I looked at her and we both agreed. Those were the good old days when we agreed on almost everything.

Naeema Badrina, 3 years old. She was not easy to handle during confinement. Always crying and colicky. I was not patient.... maybe that explains why she has a bit of a temper. A chinese lady who did my reflexology once told us that girls with hair like hers, has temper and not so patient. I have to agree with her. She is more fierce than the sister. She takes after the mummy... I cannot deny that. We are planning to have her first Birthday party this Sunday. Tij, mate, and who ever reads this entry, you are invited. Come over! It won't be a big celebration, but it is going to be a memorable one.

Always love my girls no matter what happens. Happy birthday Formerly-Known- As- Baby...

I-SETAN

2009-06-29T12:30:00.005+08:00

Being quarantined for 5 days isn't fun. It is like being imprisoned in your own house. I self-quarantine myself because my boss said so. She said I should stay at home and not go to work. H1N1 is giving problems to people who are innocent. Not that I am saying those who got it are guilty for spreading it. People have no idea who is or who is not being infected by the virus. Therefore, we can't really complain because this is god's will.

Alright... everything is fine to me except for how the authority who is handling the cases of H1N1 in Ampang. They should have handed the letter saying that he is being quarantined 5 days ago. 2 days more alhamdullilah is the end of his imposed-to quarantine unlike me. I can still go out if I want because he has shown no symptoms so far.

ISETAN sales end tomorrow and I have 4 more items to buy for Tysha and B. A pair of jeans from MIKI and a pair of short skirts for each. The tops, we have bought last weekend which after that we went to get Pizza at Milano's. Last weekend it did not happen. When am I going to go to ISETAN then?

The rules and regulations on whether self-quarantine people can or cannot go out in public once in a while is not known to me and I do not need to know. I know I am well. Yesterday I went to the ATM (Bank A to withdraw and Bank B to deposit). I waited in the car until no one was there do operate by business. I can't afford to miss payment and be fined.

Now... I can't afford to miss the sales and have to pay much more expensive price later. What am I supposed to do? We are lucky that our friends at Muhibbah Market can deliver us chicken and some vegies to the gate! Masuk buku dulu... If only I could do that with ISETAN. Mak tension nokkkkkk... tak pelah... beli jeans kat Levis jer la nanti ye anak2 kuuuuuuuuu....

Tij.. ko dah beli baju raya CEM? I need to buy for them during sales because girls dresses are just adorable. Petito have you bought baju for the boys? I need to buy my girls baju because buying for girls are more fun than buying for boys, right??? wahahahahahahaha

I have gone mad by a bucket since I self-quarantined myself... it is not to quarantine people. Zareen, I am so sorry that i was so excited and selfish when you were quarantined after you got back from England.. calling you you know what some more. I was nasty!! Now I know how it feels.

Can you imagine yourself being camped in Auswitch? That is even a gruesome picture of isolation because you know at the end you'd be killed.

Dah la uols... don't want to bother you with my writing.. useless story and lamentation.. da

We've been baking since then... what else to bake now?

FRIM forest

2009-06-28T14:20:00.000+08:00

Tysha wasn't afraid walking on the hanging bridge. It was a cool experience and Tysha was the coolest. B on the other hand, had to be distracted from looking down. She was a bit scared. Who would not if you are not even 3 years old.

We stopped to snap more photos at one of the stops... B refused to walk back to the car. It was tiring... to carry her on the back. She did not realize the fact that model-like body was getting heavier. Mummy would not carry her. Daddy had to. These are photos taken in late February. Fun was what we had. Unplanned hiking activity for the whole family. We dropped by at the Tea House to have breakfast. Obviously I have nothing interesting to share lately. Hope this enough for whoever still read my blog. Till I write again. Adios!

Nothingness

2009-06-23T13:44:00.002+08:00

OMG.... this was taken on the 30th of May 2003. Look at me.. Tij.. Cem was still small... and you were gorgeous...Mate, you still look the same... you haven't aged.
Picture two is not related to picture one. This was taken from the Ambassador with Om Prakash driving me to where I was staying.
This is the book I am supposed to finish reading.. I haven't.

That's all for today.

I like

2009-06-18T13:32:00.001+08:00

I like you when you like me
I like you when you love me

Happy Birthday ME

2009-06-11T15:36:00.002+08:00

I have just finished my Listening Speaking class and I am feeling really tired but I am not going to talk about my tiredness here, today. It is my birthday yet I am not feeling any older. The big 33. I wonder what I would be like when I am 43 and 53 that is if I am going to live that long considering the few internal organs I have left. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY zubaidah anuar! May your life get more challenging than it is now.

2009-06-10T09:57:00.004+08:00

I have been slacking in up-dating my blog. That's not all I have been slacking in. I have not so many readers but those who used to be loyal and kind enough to read what I write... Thank you so much, you are very kind. After coming back from India, I kinda have writer's block. Gezzzz what does it mean. I am not even a novice writer, how can I have that problem eh?

I have to get back on track and start re-editing my chapter 1, 2 and 3. My supervisor is hospitalized for a very serious problem. I have a problem there... one because I feel sorry for his children and wife because he is so close to them, it must be very hard for the children to see their father being sick like that. Two: I have lost the momentum to continue with my research and no I am not blaming him, I blame myself. I see the point of finishing the thesis, it is just that I have no intrinsic motivation to do so. I have been trying to read this 2 textbooks on motivation and I have yet finished being reluctant even to start.

Life is not that hard to compare with those who live in India... I am talking about those who live in the slums. How the other half lives. have to get up and stop procrastinating. Life isn't that hard, is it?

Genting Ride

2009-06-03T11:00:00.000+08:00

It was a nice day to go to Genting Highland. We took the bus from Gombak and we took the cable car. Both girls were happy. Upon reaching the top of the hill it was too cold and Tysha started to shiver. I regretted I didn't bring more clothing for them. We bought gloves and snow caps so that they would not be so cold. They had fun taking the rides. Rides they could take. I would suggest the others to take your kids there... or friends there..

Do you prefer crayon or pencils?

2009-05-19T09:30:00.000+08:00

I have so many friends who are creative or used to be creative. I remember Tij and Mate used to draw or make a lot of cards for friends. Win can draw really well and I have no ability in this area at all. Now, I am anxious that Tysha is dylexic. I need to take her to see the experts. Einstein, Picasso (maybe) and probably Karl Marx were dylexic. That's not the point. We can still find ways to make this work. Tysha loves crayons and pencils. How about you?

Aiyo yo...

2009-05-15T21:17:00.003+08:00

Aiyo yo...

Macam boring nak kerja hari minggu
Tetapi saya sedang kerja malam ini di Gombak.

Kenapa tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu?
Kerana saya malas nak berbahasa Inggeris.

Tension: apakah perkataan itu di dalam bahasa Melayu?
Aku tak tahu.

Jom tengok gambar satu lagi.
Tij.. aku memang kering idea ni

This is one of the paintings from the National Museum in Delhi: Akhbar is celebrating his wedding ceremony. Who is Akhbar: Don't ask.

End the Existence of Me

2009-05-14T22:51:00.001+08:00

Use the canon to
blow my mind- someone! Please!

JOM LEPAQ

2009-05-13T12:52:00.000+08:00

JOM LEPAQ MACAM DIORANG

Some more collections to be shared

2009-05-12T11:41:00.000+08:00

A Wonderful Afternoon in Delhi

2009-05-07T21:06:00.000+08:00

Pigeons eating

Pigeons flying after being chased by one..

But she forgot to switch on the camera so she lost the best and closer shots of the pigeons flying

She will never forget the gentleman who took her around and accompanied her shopping in Lajpat Napur, New Delhi...One with her jalan-jalan buddy at India Gate.

Tysha's Painting

2009-05-04T10:43:00.000+08:00

Tysha's drawing was exhibited at the Staedtler and Krista's Children's Day Exhibition last Saturday.
In the drawing, there are 3 girls. Initially the first girl in blue was Adik or B but then Tysha changed her mind... later, the girl in blue was changed to Mia, her school buddy and the girl is black was added later because she could not leave Balqis out of the picture. There is a rainbow (I had just taught her how to draw the rainbow a week before she drew this one) so, she insisted to have rainbow with a mermaid swimming in the lake right there... Tysha is so fascinated by the Sun so sun we cannot leave behind. She wanted so much to have houses for all of them. Don't you just want to turn back time and become a kid of five years old again?

She Reminds Me of You

2009-05-04T09:12:00.002+08:00

With the nose and the beautiful thin lips, the eyes that mesmerize... and of course the small waist and the lady in this portrait if I am not mistaken,
looks so much like a dear friend of mine...Win...

Win, I could not help it... She looks so much like you and do you still remember that I used to tell you that you have a-you-know-what nose... I have found a better adjective to describe your envied- by-me nose: Semitic. (thanks to a friend for that). I believe that you inherited the nose from you Arab ancestors.

If you know who Win is, would you agree with me?

Taj Mahal

2009-04-28T09:09:00.003+08:00

The word to describe India
is magnificent.

My One and Only Entry from Delhi.

2009-04-24T18:33:00.003+08:00

No picture no nothing. I have spent 6 days of my life in New Delhi. I have been taken good care of by great people here. I wonder what my life will be once I get back. I am just so spoilt like Sultan and Nawab. Well, the details of my journey in India may be shared with you. Or maybe I will just share some photos of me posing in front of Taj Mahal. I miss my girls. I miss everyone in Malaysia. Petito, Humaiyun Tomb made me cry today. It gave a deep impact in my life and I could not stop crying upon reaching the top of the building. Taj Mahal didn't give any good impression when I was there. To me, the 7th wonder of the world is just a symbol of oppression and depression. Maybe I would like the Black Taj Mahal if only Shah Jahan was not imprisoned by his power-crazed son but he only managed to clear the land opposite the tomb he built for his wife. He never got to build a tomb for himself because his son had some sense. Why would a Maharaja spent so much blood and money for a grave for a dead wife? Humaiyun was build by a wife for her dead husband. Maybe that is why I love it. Will share with you some photos; only after I have edited all. I miss writing entry for my blog but then, something stops me for a while. Malaysia, I am coming home tomorrow, insyallah.

Firdaus Baby Boo

2009-04-18T07:59:00.000+08:00

To Dikja... I am sorry. I do not have your son's picture. He's the eldest among them. He is the "taiko", right?
Here are our younger generations. Wishing them all the best and may Allah bless their lives. We love them unconditionally with the hope that they are too. This could be the last entry. Could be. But knowing me... I change my mind like I change the baju I wear. So.. again... sayonara Kuala Lumpur.

Good Bye

2009-04-18T07:42:00.002+08:00

Good Bye Malaysia...

One more day

2009-04-16T22:06:00.002+08:00

I have Friday and 1/2 of Saturday left before I go.

Tjantek

2009-04-14T06:07:00.000+08:00

I have mentioned this place before. This is Tjantek. A cool hang out place in the hub of Kuantan.
Who would like to join me after I get back from my get-away?

Curiousity kills the cat:

Well, I have asked this question before to those who sometimes read my blog.. maybe you read my entries because I read your entries and you feel obligated to read mine. You could be reading my entries, "the melancholic me" because you want to know how I was feeling on certain days because sometimes I express them better here than in person. Now... could there be other reasons why people want to read mine? I wonder.

Welcome to the club Baby of Marlynda

2009-04-12T09:05:00.013+08:00

In this club there are five girls and 4 boys so far:

The club consists of children of close friends of mine
(We used to calling ourselves Firdaus)

Only those who are still close till they reach 23 and 24 errrr you have to add another 10 years to both sets of numbers because I believe that all are still in denial stage.

Suggested name for the CLUB: _______________

Ayu's girls : Nurin Batrisyia aka Tysha (5) and Naeema Badrina aka B (3)
Ayu Berry's girls: Liyana Aisyah aka Yana (6) and Nurin Najihah akak Jihah (3)
Dikja's boy : Arif aka Cem (7) (maafkan acik sebab tak ingat nama penuh)
Raja's boy : Adam Syahmi (6)
Atie's boys : Muhammad Afiq Anaqi (4) Muhammad Azri Anaqi (4 months)

*Ages could be inaccurate.

Chubby's girl:*baby jane doe?* Ada yang suggested nak bagi nama Sejinjang or Santubung...

Presenting The latest member of the club.

See.. the girls outnumbered boys. Who is going to catch up now? Cepat cepat cepat.. mak dah tutup kilang nokkkk

By the way Tij, what should we name the club for them? Any suggestion, dump in the comment box okay... and Mate.. you may also share with us the names of your future offspring if you don't mind giteww...

BZ...

2009-04-11T18:50:00.005+08:00

Sibuk bekerja sekarang...

Therefore tak ada idea.

However, to Chubby and Iswandi.. Congratulations for the newborn Baby Girl...

Newborn photo is in the handphone and I have no idea how to put it in here...

Tapi uols... her face looks just like...

Nak panggil "Papa" katanya.

Life's a Brief Candle

2009-04-07T14:11:00.000+08:00

Life is brief, right? Our problems are not brief. How to compact everything in this short life? Why can't mothers become selfish mothers without being judged? In this modern world, all mothers are made to be selfish because the society demands them to be selfish. Not being one will make you a social deviant. So, be one! Be a selfish mother and you will be accepted because you will be part of the norm in the society. Just a thought from me. A penny for your thought?

An Entry for My Girls...

2009-04-05T22:13:00.000+08:00

Keep telling myself that nothing or no one should be put before these two precious beings... I am not in the mood to study because I am liking the ample time I have with them. I have exam this Wednesday but I have difficulty to focus. My my... what could be the reasons?
These two do not disturb me when I am studying. They would from time to time visit me in the room and say "Hi Mummy... mummy baca books kay... kakak and adik no kacau". Aren't I the luckiest one ever? I wished I had more time with them now that I am not teaching in the short semester. The studying and the doing assignments are taking too much of my time. Wait girls... the time will come when I am done with all of these... Hang in there... We will have more time to dance together like Anastasia and the two Barbie characters you both love watching. We will have the time.
Your Mummy forever.

Me and my roses...Not yours but Mine...

2009-04-02T20:08:00.002+08:00

By looking at the title of the entry one but cannot help to wonder what the hell is she going to talk about... Does she have the intention to discuss about the difference between Me and Mine? But then not many know what is the notion of Me and Mine... those who have to 'suffer' a core-course at the postgraduate level in the only those who study at the education department at the Garden of Virtue and Torture in Malaysia would know... that is if one did not fall asleep in the class when the Asso. Prof. Dr,. discussed the idea which to some very very profound. He asked me once why did I think it was very profound like many others think... and I answered... I never thought of it as very profound.. just profound and he was more than happy to hear that I refused to use the adverb of degree 'very' and never asked me more questions.

Nope, I am not going to the intellectual and academic part because
1. I don't remember the difference between Me and Mine that much to be shared with others,
2. I am too excited about my trip to India that I am getting worried of who and what I will be facing there...(not much of a good review I have been receiving from friends and family since I mentioned that I am going there alone) and lastly,
3. I am reading Bernstein so... life is a bit complicated now and
....I know I said 3 but suddenly I have the fourth one:
4. I am not an intellectual person.

Let me start my narration about the roses that were mine...

I was given the bouquet of roses. It was supposed to be a surprise but I left home earlier therefore, Bibik, Tysha and B were surprised. Bibik reported that Tysha claimed that the flowers were for her because that week was her birthday week. She did not allow B to even smell the sweetness of the roses.

Sorry that I missed the surprise. I promised him that I would act surprise when I got home to see them presented on the table in the study room. That was the sweetest gesture from a husband for a wife that he never bought even a rose for Valentine's Day. It could be said that my entry on the Redefined V Day did help in the change of behaviour.

Thank you and I hope to get more positive surprises in the future. From the look on my face, the lips craved a smile but the eyes were just too tired. I had such a tiring day that day... I do not remember why I was tired but upon coming home nearly 7PM, I was invited by my girls, hubby and my flowers.

The moral of the story is, next time honey, tell me if you want to surprise me ahead of time or even better, deliver the surprise to my office. The element of surprise would be sweeter and more effective when one is warned about the surprise. That would be nicer and more extravaganza. Now... what could a wife do to surprise her hubby?

*Surprise is used too often and being an English teacher myself, I feel that I have not done justice to the other words synonym to it. I am tired and I have so many lame excuses for not checking the thesaurus. I pray that no student of mine will read this entry.

B

2009-03-31T14:06:00.001+08:00

She likes to watch what she calls "pabopepen".

Apa tu?

Huh! 2

2009-03-30T22:33:00.004+08:00

Here I am, lying on my back, typing this entry with the laptop loaned by my employer as long as I am working there on my lap. Feeling comfortable, the laptop is actually on my bloated tum tum.

I am having a light depression. I am feeling depressed because my pills are not available. The 'supplier' is just busy with his work that he has forgotten all about it. I am feeling depressed because I have gained back what I have lost. I thought I lost the burden forever. I am bigger than ever. This is what most doctors I asked said... the YOYO effects. Look at my latest pictures. I have gone back to where I was before. Darn it! I have had the same experience before. I thought I could make a difference this time. I guess I was in denial. There is no easy way to loose it. You have to exercise. That word has got to register back in my dictionary. "Flabby body reflects flabby mind".

I am flabby in both aspects now. I don't snack at the office or even in class when I am having my post-graduate classes. Well, maybe sometimes, I brought some sweet cakes and chocolates. Some would bring the crackers. Yum yum.. hey, in air-conditioned room for 3 hours, one would suddenly feel hungry and anything should be enough to be munched before the real food awaiting at home prepared by beloved Bibik.

Would like to share with you my favorite drink, The Shirley Temple. The first time I tasted it was when I used to boogying with Kak Ellie at TM2. (correct me if I am wrong kak Ellie). Man, those were the younger days when one was still in fit shape and never had to feel shy about her appearance. I like it if they put more than one cherry... most places would put two if I request to have more than one.. Cheap! I only take cherry when drinking it with my ST.

The best ST can be found in TJantek (pronounced as Cantek) in the middle of Kuantan. There is a french-built-concept restaurant that serves french-like food and the best ST in Malaysia. They serve ST if only you requested it. In a bigger glass. The restaurant was much classier than the Mexican in Ampang... You would be surprised to see such a place with the french-colonial ambiance in Kuantan. I have the photos in my handphone and I have yet learned how to transfer those beautiful photos into the computer to be shared with you guys...

Basically today's entry was pointless... I have nothing to say but, I would love to have ST with Tij, Mate, and all of you...one day maybe... Maybe my readers, which are not that many but I cherish you reading my rubbish would want to have a gathering kat Tjantek Kuantan?

PS: I am going to sleep with the laptop on my biggy tum tum... maybe hubby would move it to a safer place once he gets home from his match.

Huh!

2009-03-29T22:07:00.000+08:00

My Favorite Eating Place
Where is it?

Tysha's 5th Birthday 22 March 2009

2009-03-26T16:55:00.004+08:00

Tysha's in her younger year

Daddy's Girl

Tysha's Mermaid Barbie Cake

5 years ago at about 4.30 PM at the Operation Theather in HUKM, Tysha was born. She cried the moment she was pulled out from the tummy of her mother, Moi. Well, we planned her 4th Birthday party last years but something unevitable happened, it had to be postponed. This year, the parents were determined to have one for her.

Happy birthday Tysha. Thanks to all who came and brought presents for her and B. Thanks for Uwan, my mother for bringing the big periuk for Bibik to cook the curry for the noodle. The curry mee was truly authentic and delicious. To those who could not make it, it was okay. Thanks to Ajoy and his Siti for being here from the morning to help with the decoration. Ms Elle, I told bibik you and Dila loved her cooking and she said that she will cook for B's birthday party. Many were not invited. This was the first time we had a birthday party for Tysha and it was a good experience for the next years to come. Thank you Allah for the gift you gave me. She is five now and getting more beautiful everyday. Ain't she looks beautiful in that dress? Will definitely buy more when I go to India next month.

Daddy, she's daddy's Girl you know that right?

What is life if it is dark?

2009-03-25T11:54:00.005+08:00

Proud as the peacock... Nak ke mana being proud pun???

The entry from Tij's blog reminded me of the darkness... What is life without light? Non-illuminating situation makes many uncomfortable. We get edgy when we do not see what we want to see. We are scared of the unknown. Most children cannot sleep with the lights off. Some adults have the same problem. What about me? I hate to be left in the dark.(But this has a different meaning.) I need to be given lights if not that much... just enough for me to see the shadows. I get dizzy to be left in the dark for too long. But I like reading with little light... just me and the story told in the book in our own private space. I have not done that for a long time. When can I do that again? Maybe never... Most probably, NEVER!!

So, we have to switch off the lights for an hour, 8.30 to 9.30 Malaysia TIME this Saturday. We should help to save energy. Do we have to switch off the TV too? That... those two girls at home will not be happy! Mummy is going to be away somewhere to attend something boring... an academic review. Mummy won't be there to experience darkness with the two of you... What a pity that she has to experience it with 'friends'. What a pity...again.

To friends... I have been thinking... here on earth, in this reality, to be in the dark for an hour is such a- piece- of- cake experience. What will become of us once the darkness of eternity comes inviting? AH!!! Too scary to even to think about DEATH. There, in that narrow hole, we will be buried and left alone in the darkness that would seem to be for eternity... What a pity to be there alone. What a pity... again.

Let's try to imagine that we are there... where we are supposed to be before we go back to see Allah.. Takut? Malu? Tanya sama pokok, apa sebab goyang... nanti jawab pokok, angin yang goncang.... then, tanya sama diri sendiri, Takut? Kenapa takut mahu mati? Malu? Kenapa malu dengan Tuhan?

This dark-for-an-hour situation that we are going to have this Saturday should not only remind us to save the environment, but also should remind us what we should be reminded of constantly, our own death.

Lastly, we cannot see colors when it is dark... the peocock won't be too proud if it is dark because he has nothing to show... So.. there is nothing that we should be proud of now that we have money and property, husband and children and other worldly possessions... we will leave them behind and what we will be accompanied by what we would call the "darkness" in that lifeless life.

My Boy Friend: CHAD

2009-03-19T15:49:00.001+08:00

Errr... he is a friend who happens to be a male. So, if friends asked me, I should say that he is my boy-friend. If a man can have a girl-friend, why can't we women. Some men are not comfortable if the wives have friends who are not women. Hey, they say, it is not appropriate because of the cultural and religion factors. I say no to that maybe because I am lucky that I have a partner who trusts me.

Introducing Chad Khushairi to blogsphere. He is my research partner cum diet parter. The boy is young and ambitious. Single? Yes he is single but that is not why I am blogging about him (to promote a man). Pushy, Yes.... We have been working on this research together for almost for 2 years now and yet, we have not applied for any research grand. Why should we?

He is serious when doing work and driving if you can see.. Apa nak cerita pasal Chad pun akak tak tahu... yang penting, thanks to Chad, I got the experience to be the master of ceremony at the convocation last year and got me enthusiatic on doing academic research. He has faith in me. (Yeke???) So, Chad... good luck in doing your MINI PROJECT and not to play too much with fire...stop bugging me with statistics!!

That's the advice from a sister who is way older than you. And ladies, it is good to have a male close friend because you get to have different perspectives on certain issues. Males point of views are different compared to people of the same gender... nutch nutch say no more what what!!
Don't you all think so???

DIRI SANDIRI BOSAN

2009-03-17T16:21:00.004+08:00

diri sendiri bosan
macam mana
orang tak bosan
dengan diri ini?

diri sendiri bosan
tak reti nak karang
diri sendiri bosan
blog sendiri
tak terbaca

diri sendiri bosan
baik bibik yang masak
diri sendiri bosan
bibik masak sedap
diri ini makan banyak

diri sendiri bosan
dengan diri sendiri
macam mana nak hidup
kalau
diri sendiri
bosan
dengan
diri sendiri?????

Bawak bersabar bak kata Plato nyer.... jangan meragam and my dear friends... aren't you bored of yourself too??

Ola pagi Monday... What a short weekend!

2009-03-16T01:54:00.008+08:00

I was following the interactive discussion over there at Archive of Time. Man... I have always been the ignorant one about this PPSMI ( I didn't even know what it meant few days ago). Thanks to Dr. Sam, whose blog I frequently read along with other blogs belong to my dear dear friends, I knew what it means now. I had to admit, being an English teacher does not make one sensitive of the issue involving English teachers all over Malaysia. The issue is, Science and Maths have been taught in English for some years now and the first products of the experiment showed that it can be done. I left my comments in the box of Archive of Time. I didn't think I was able to discuss about this language problem in my blog because mine is just about how I feel about things around me. But then, I was wrong. I have been sleeping for too long. But, I won't talk about it now.

It is good to read what others have to say about current issues. I realize that I do not like reading newspaper nor watching the news. I only like reading what I am assigned to read for my courses or the poems of Eliot or Yeats before going to bed. Now, I have changed a bit. I have started to read others' blogs other than my close close friends' blogs. I have added another being's blog in the blog list that I am following. Hope I will learn something from his. Thanks Petito and Tij for being there to make me smile or even laugh everytime I read yours. Thanks to my coursemate for wanting to share her personal blog with me and I learned things can be discussed outside classroom and there are others who have the same interest with me at the education department.

I am glad that this weekend I had spent such wonderful time with my family. Thanks to hubby for trying so hard to make me feel good about life. He even volunteered to drive me to FRIM on Saturday but then I was sulking and feeling hurt still. I had done some work for my classes. I read about Thomas Kuhn and I like the guy so much now. I read Eliot's poem and I like the line "to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet" from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. I read Eliot in class before, for the exam and I never really appreciated it until now. I reread Hippopotamus. What else can I ask from God?

I need a break! Please God, let me have my break.

Toilet Thinkers

2009-03-14T10:26:00.002+08:00

A V.I.P TOILET FOR A V.I.P. IF YOU ARE NOT A V.I.P, YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN THINK OF GOING IN THERE... YOU DO NOT BELONG THERE...

I THINK YOU SHOULD USE THIS ONE. IT DOES NOT HAVE V.I.P SIGN ON IT... YES, THIS LOO BELONGS TO YOU...

I was there in Kuantan attending a programme that was part of soft control practiced by most universities in Malaysia. Some call it the 'Family Day'. I didn't take my family with me therefore it was not a family event for me. Let me get to the point: Discrimination, double standard, social injustice. You can just click on the X symbol at the corner of the window if you find reading this entry won't do you any good but if you want to know the connection between the toilet and thinkers, stay put and scroll down...

Why is it that the hotel has two types of toilet for the ladies?
1. For the commoners (I assume) and
2. For the V.I.P.

What makes the difference between a commoner's behind and a V.I.P's behind. Do we have two different smell of the waste? Do we sit on different kinds of toilet seats because their behinds are just so firmer than ours? I don't understand why this type of segregation is still being practiced in this modern world.

I waited there for a while to see whether any one of the hotel staff would stop anyone who did not appear V.I.P material who would want to enter the 'special' loo. How do we know whether a person is a V.I.P or not? Let's say, Puan Seri Tijah Lawa or Puan Seri Petito visits the hotel and feel like peeing the very instant she reaches the hotel. Being the humble Puan Seri, one does not put on the Puan Seri type of Bajus and hair done. Knowing that she is a V.I.P, she would directly approach the V.I.P labeled door to which she belonged to. A staff sees her going into the 'special' room will tell her to leave. There's no identification card to show that she is a Puan Seri. She is not in her Puan Seri-like attire. What then? Would she feel offended or more defensive?

I don't understand why this form of social class discrimination still exists in this country. I wonder when they are going to have two separate floors of a restaurant for the working class and middle class people. I wonder when they are going to have two separate shopping places where women of the upper class and the lower class would go to buy lingerie.

Those who practice this form of discrimination are the people I would love to call the TOILET THINKERS.

But hey, this is just my opinion... you might disagree with me. We all live in this intersubjective world. We live in the world we share and we share the same reality. This is reality, we have different toilets to utilize. Should we change this reality?

Why Feel This Way?

2009-03-10T09:37:00.007+08:00

This might be a symbol of wealth. Is this what you want?

I am trying not to blog about my feelings lately. Some might have the idea why. I am good at expressing my thoughts and feelings on writing now. Better than having a normal conversation with loved ones. I am becoming to dependent on my 'melancholic me'. I turn to my computer when I am sad, depressed, happy and excited.

I don't think this is a healthy practice although this blog is merely a medium to communicate with people who read. I am who I am and no one can change me. I have my feelings and I have no control over them. I feel what I feel not because I choose to feel the way I feel. It just happens.

The recurring theme that I have, melancholic, is really depressing to myself and to others. Maybe I should try writing a prose... who knows maybe I have a talent on that and I can escape into the world that I can create in the stories I want to write. But I doubt very much I have the talent. I feel life is difficult now. Maybe I need to go see people who are really 'suffering', life without enough food, no roof over their heads, no clothes to cover the what-not and no clean water to drink. Maybe if I go see these victims of life circumstances, victims of social injustice, I would realize, I mean, in the maximum realization that my life isn't that hard. My life is just a wee bit challenging.

So, where should I go to find these people?

My Girls

2009-03-09T23:35:00.002+08:00

There is no way I can go anywhere without these two... they are my life. I could never imagine my life without them.

But, could they live without me?

Where are we going? Just like Dora Singing it...

2009-03-09T23:22:00.003+08:00

B walks gracefully...Watched by Pak Chek Zari

Still she walks gracefully like a little girl should wholeheartedly

Wait!! Is she pigeon-toed like mummy?

Ah! What a pity....

These photos were taken a long time ago... both of them were taking a walk with
Pak Chek Zari... the guy in the yellow T.

Mummy and Daddy

2009-03-07T16:35:00.000+08:00

Who are the people in the drawing?

My mummy and daddy....

Do you love me?
Yesssssssshhhh

Divergence

2009-03-07T14:05:00.000+08:00

Please tell me that I will score A this semester my coursemates... pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The Girls

2009-03-01T08:50:00.001+08:00

I mentioned in the last entry that I like to have my 'me' time. Some would say bullshit to the idea because once we have the children we can say good bye to the words. I love my girls... but I need to keep my sanity too, right? 'Me' time is needed by all women to unwind, to reflect what they have done and what they have not done in life and to find peace alone. Not much is needed, this time. 4 to 5 hours every two weeks is enough for me to hang out with my girlfriends.

I believe many of my girlfriends out there have husbands who would allow them to go hang out with their friends. I mean, most husbands are no longer allowing themselves to be in the era where women did not have the right to vote. Because of the education level, they are more open-minded, understanding and tolerant. Some would not mind being the house-husband, (in this case, the husbands work from home most of the time therefore they have the opportunity to help with the house-chores and happy doing it without being cranky at the wives when the wives get back from work).

We have to give credits to men like mentioned. They have the courage to take the responsibilities subscribed by the society for women. Most of them do not mind doing it but their parents do. They would perceive that their sons are being controlled by their wives, a form of hard control.

On the other hand, from my non-empirical observation, most women with this kind of husband would appreciate their husbands more. It is not easy to find one like this. They (women) do not mind making more money than the husbands and would not mind sharing their income with the loved ones.

I wonder whether my girls would be the persons who would be more intelligent than their husbands in the future. Too futuristic to be thinking about this but hey, this is my thinking and I have the freedom to have this discourse with myself.

Have you ever wondered what sorts of wives or husbands your children will make? I wonder a lot. Would Tish and Bee be a wife like me? I wonder and I wander in this almost six years of motherhood period. They have grown taller and I bet they will be taller than I am. They have longer fingers and longer legs... will they have higher intellect than I have? I have no intelligence and I hope they inherited intelligence from the daddy.

I want to see them grow up to be women who have the brain and the look. I need to impart ethics but I need to have ethics first. I am in the process of showing examples, that learning is not just getting As in all subjects. But I got so worried when Tish is not serious at learning her ABC. Ah!!! I bet my friends who have children like mine are able to teach their children with patience and perseverance. I am not a good teacher when it comes to teach my own children. I have no patience to teach them unlike when I am a teacher at work. But then, I am not a good teacher as some at work would think. Such a serious issue I am facing here...I am trying to think of all the learning theories I have learned to be applied at home.

I imagine when they are grown, waxing elegant ladies in the year 2020... they will look at me and say "Mummy, we are intelligent and happy because of you." Or they could be saying, "Mummy, we are intelligent and happy and we did it all by ourselves." I do not know what the future will be. Nobody knows... but I do hope that they will say the first one.

Ice Cream with Mate Part 1

2009-03-01T08:07:00.000+08:00

I had the urge to have ice-cream about a month ago and went to Sri Gombak to pick Mate up and drove to the Curve. Man... when we reached there, Mate made a statement: "Bukan ko boycott B&R ke?". I said silently in my heart, "Alamak, minah ni has such an auditory memory!". And what was uttered from my small-nuclear mouth, "Yup! I do... so jom lah carik ice-cream lain". We were heading to the court where there are so many eating places and we saw New Zealand. "New Zealand is obviously not an American product, right? So, aku rasa ok kalau kita makan kat sini... JOM MATE!!". We ordered two big scoops which I forgot what flavours they were. Therefore, I quenched my thirst for ice-cream with my mate...At the same time, Mate called Ayu Berry, our friend who was stucked in Kajang using her newly-bought Sony Erikson which I do not know what the series is making video call. I like it when Ayu was so jealous of us hanging out together at night somewhere. I wonder whether I can still do this, spur of the moment plan like picking up you mate whenever I want to have my time alone with you once I have moved to Bang-I.

This photo was taken by a boy-like girl which is not the man in the picture. The staff were friendly.. kan mate? Here we were discussing the impacts of Islamization of Ice-cream. Proff Sidek Baba would be so proud if he knew this and Dr. Yed would be saying 'Stupid!', right Mummy?

I bet many of you have tasted the ice-cream here and if for some reasons, New Zealand Nature does contribute some amount of dough to help kill the Palentineans... may Allah forgive me for making mate an accomplice.

Mate, hope we can do this more often. I know you were concerned because I have such an easy tendency to leave the girls at home. Most mothers like me, like Ayu Berry... will take their children out for ice-cream. This mother, would prefer to take her loving girlfriend out for her 'me' time and of course here.. that night, we had 'our' time. A mother needs a break and an understanding husband to be allowed to do this more often with her girlfriend.(right, daddy???)

Referring to the entry on Polygamy, see my old classmate from MRSM Muar, who gave opinion in FB that by allowing thy hubby to marry another, you can accomplish your bits of freedom, we women do not have to sacrifice our rights to have the man for ourselves just to get a bit of 'me' time or my space. All we need is just an understanding husband each. But, to do that, let them have their 'me' time, don't call them too much when they go out with their friends. All you need to do is to know their friends and if so happened that their friends practice polygamy, do not be alarmed too soon. You should be alarmed though if they started to call their friends who have more than one wife 'tok guru'. Uwekkkk! that just makes me sick in the stomach!. And this message is for you my darling... Yes, call him, your friend, 'tok harimau ke, tok janggut ke, tok kenali ke.... but never tok guru because that was the nickname my father has.

To Tij and Petito: Bila mau pi chocolate factory lagi??? I am dying to have 'me' time with you alls.... Man.. this is all about decadence... when am I going to change!!!!

Ice cream with Mate Part 2

2009-03-01T07:26:00.003+08:00

Chocolate and mocha flavors??? Not so sure..

While waiting for EDC 6610

2009-02-25T15:06:00.007+08:00

What is life when we enslave ourselves to our desires? Because men are allowed to have more than one wife, men have more privileges in life. In other words, they have more sexual partners, more women to have sex with in the halal way. Ain't that just heavenly? Unlike men, we women have to take care of our chastity and integrity and the names of our husbands.

I am always reminded in class, together with my other classmates in the ICP class that what is allowed is for men to have more than one wife but what is desirable by God is for men to just have one. I do not know why women need to believe and realize this statement as women are not men. But then, I contemplated, for almost a semester, why does this person who has such great influence in my life and in many of my friends' lives too, always wants us to understand the fact given. Why women must know this. The answer is; it is important for us women to know our rights living in this world.

Islam teaches us to be fair to others. But can a man be fair to his wives. The man in my life agrees that a man CAN have more if he has the abilities to provide for all. Meaning, if it is affordable for the man to keep two or four trophies, why not? There, he forgot the idea of what is allowed and what is desirable by God. Some of my used-to-be schoolmates in FB discussed the issue similar like this. Is polygamy good for women? Most men who are the slaves of their own desires would concur in the idea without a doubt. I repeat; most men. Most women would say something like this; Go to HELL with men!.

Women are perceived as fragile creatures, easily damaged and broken. Women are basically emotional. That is why most students of mine agree that working mothers cannot be good mothers because when they got tired at work, they will bring back frustration, anger and sometimes madness home. These students wrote this in their essays like it is a fact that women are full of tantrum and raging hormones.

Back to the discussion in FB. A friend said that she wouldn't mind to let her husband to marry another as that would give her the space that she wants. Great! So, my inference of the statement is, it is great that you let your hubby to stray and find another because it eventually gives you the freedom you once had the freedom that you long for long. To say in a bit differently, you have your own 'me' time. Ain't that lovely??

Will be continued. Pak Aziz has started the class...

What's in a name?

2009-02-20T14:37:00.005+08:00

Nizar on his graduation day some two years ago... I wonder if I will ever finish mine...

First Part
It feels weird to be blogging from the uni's banquet hall while waiting for the top 6 to arrive for the "Premier Public Lecture Series". The title of the lecture which will be given by somebody who used to be the top man in the ministry of Higher education, is Public-Private Partnership in Higher Education.

I can wait to hear what it is going to be about. Is it going to be blogable? Probably. I will be Emceeing for the event. Not really nervous because, I am going to screw up pronouncing the word: Internationalization.

The ironic thing about the whole situation that I am in now is, I have just attended Dr. Yed's class and we discussed issues in education. Critical Pedagogy is supposed to make us aware of what is going on in the education system and we should know how to relate social justice as part of education. Knowledge as commodity. The market will only provide you your needs only if you have something to give in exchange. The market has subscribed what should our learners learn and what they should not learn and how long they should learn what is prescribed for them because if they do, they would not be hired. It is like not questioning your doctor's prescriptions of what medicines you are supposed to take because you always trust what your doctor says and you believe that if you don't take the pills given you'll get sicker.

Second Part
This is the second part of the entry. I screwed up. I said the top man's wrongly and he gave me the look. I mentioned people who were not there... and why the hell weren't they there... and people, people I know complained about me. I don't think they will invite me to be the madame MC ever again. Sorry Kak M, who now I have to call Dr. M because I don't think she would want people to know that she knows me and I call her Kak M instead of Dr. M. Dream of being the MC for the convo... Mr. Chad has to do it alone this time... while waiting for Madam Azura to come back. And NO, I did not pronounce Internationalization wrongly, I mixed the titles of the top men, wrongly.... what a bummer!!!

Tij.. I have expressed myself... Tij... i did it.. but I don't feel relieved even a bit...

Our Last Day

2009-02-19T09:04:00.003+08:00

My Group 22. They are the Laws students. 5 boys and 15 girls. They are also the participants in the blogging study I am currently doing.

My Group 14. Human Sciences students; some are "thinking" of taking political science, counseling, communication, and psychology. But, no one is interested in doing Philosophy. Not much that they can do even if they chose that one because the department was closed a long time ago. No market they said.

These are my students in Semester 2, session 2008/2009. I really enjoyed teaching them especially the all girls class. What I taught them, I am not sure whether they made sense or not. I am a teacher who want them to realize that in learning, grade is not everything. I am a little bit worried about my all girls class; they are not so eager to learn. In the past, I would not give a damn. Now, I do give a damn. These are girls who one day will become wives and mothers but they are not showing keen interest to learn. I, however can make reference to the learning of English only. But hey, for almost 14 weeks, every time before my Writing class they had Critical Thinking class. Yet, when we had discussion on essay topics, they could not practice what they have learned in the previous class, the Critical Thinking class which is to think critically, to give points for the essays. I was disappointed but all I could do was, to remind them to have the mental energy to learn. And I told them, to learn is not only to consume knowledge but also to create knowledge.

These are smart young women but they are not critical enough. I wonder how they are living in this social constructive reality, where wealth is not distributed fairly and those with power have their interest met and those who are powerless continue being oppressed. I am worried that they will be lost like I was. For so many years I could not decide what I really wanted to do. I want them to know that they have to decide what they really want in life and not to let others decide for them. It is not easy to be a woman in this challenging world as the world is dominated by men and by people with power. To continue to be powerless is to endanger one's own potential to be who she really wants to be.

Sorry A Million Time

2009-02-18T10:31:00.000+08:00

Khalid, my classmate and study friend from the university. We took Phil class together and when we became friends since then.

This is the continuation from the last entry:

Guess what, when Khalid presented his innovation; PSI, or the Keller's ________, I discovered that I had made a big mistake for breaking my agreement with him. He had prepared few slides on the definitions of some of the terms; with the intention, to help us to be reminded before the whole presentations of the terms that are important for the class. I did not do that as I was selfish. IfI had not done it, (presenting first) his slides on the definitions would be a good opening for the whole thing. I hope he was not mad at me. She is a person who does things without thinking, Khalid.

So, Dr. T has made it clear that each and everyone of us has to give comments on each presenter's innovation. I opened my heart and was expecting to get the not-so-good critics, more like negative responses because I was nervous as I said before. I was slurring and was not in the mood. On the other hand, I was astonished reading my friends' comments. They were all very motivational and edifying too. However, Mate, I did it again. I wanted to skip the whole history slides but Dr. T insisted me to explain them one by one. Being the don't-care-what-my teacher-said me, I skipped them anyhow and asked everyone to read the handout that I later disseminated. I could not help it. Presentation just makes me go crazy. But again, it could be the influence of the pill. This is the time when Miss Duramine says "Blame it on me again!"
So, what have I learned from the whole cut-the-que incident? I did it almost by accident. It was not my intention to do that. Maybe this thing happened to other people too. I don't know. I hate it when people break the promises they made and there I was, breaking my words. To brother Khalid, please accept my utmost apology. I mean, you have helped me a lot study wise and motivational wise. I guess, this entry is written to explain the guilt that I have. Hope God will forgive me for this. He is the most Forgiving. Ar rahman ar rahim....

Eliza and I

2009-02-17T15:59:00.000+08:00

Khalid snapped this photo for us. We were waiting for 6630 class. It is the innovation class. Khalid and I had our presentation that Monday. I was nervous. I was ready with the innovation presentation; "utilizing blog in teaching students to write argumentative essay. I was nervous still even I was more than ready. Khalid was asked to present first. He said, yes. Being a true muslim; it is always the men first. Not; Ladies first. At that time, I wasn't objecting to the idea. I did not want to be the first.

Dr. T arrived. We were still outside. Busy taking pictures, which had nothing to do with the class, camera and photos. Then, she let us in. I presented. Feeling terribly nervous. Sorry mate. I took the pill early in the morning. Then, when she asked who was going first, I just stood up, forgetting my agreement with Khalid. I was to present first! Too nervous, don't you think so?

Done with Innovation Presentation and I am glad

2009-02-14T22:51:00.003+08:00
I have just finished working on the project for EDC 6630. Boy you don't know how I feel now. I am finally, at least for now, able to read what I really like reading. Poems. So, tonight I chose his poem...Somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond.. Read it together with me and feel the intensity of the poet. I love this particular one and I am not sure why. Maybe I feel like Cummings wrote the poem for me. Moi. Although impossible, I would like to think that he did compose this particular for me, Moi.

Hey, what can I say... A melancholic person might be laconic and impossible to be impressed but she is so imaginative. Enjoy the poem with me.

One of my favourite poem by E.E. Cummings
Click here to read it...

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
by E. E. Cummings

Valentine's Day or Valentine's Day?

2009-02-13T19:51:00.007+08:00

I read Tij's blog today. Valentine was the name of the priest who died for the love he had for his faith. Before the angel of death came knocking on his prison's door, he wrote a love letter to his woman, and signed: Your Valentine.

So, my question is,is it wrong that we have redefined the meaning of the day, to the day of love and celebrate it. And if we celebrated the day, with no reference to the day Valentine the priest died, it actually gives a different meaning to the day itself.

I met my husband on that very day 10 years ago, we went out for dinner and we fell insanely in love on the very day. And for 10 years we have been celebrating the day as the day we fell in love. We go out for dinner, if not alone with the other significant others that we have both brought to this world.I have given a different meaning to it, and does it make me a sinner for celebrating the day with a different meaning?

There are muslims who do not know the 'origin' of Valentine's Day. To them, this day is just the day when they buy dozens of red roses which cost triple than before, chocolates that are wrapped in a slightly more expensive gift paper with silky ribbons and a hallmark card with words or sentences that they did not even read upon buying it for the loved or lusted one whom they expected to get some before the night ends.

I was so fond of the day when I was younger. I expected the boys I used to date to buy me roses but none of them did. But, there was a fond memory of getting 5 apples and 3 carnations instead of roses in the orientation week in Muar. Another fond memory; one Valentine's Day when hubby and I were dating, I bought him a rose. A single rose, which cost me RM 15. That was me who gave him the rose. I handed the one rose to him and asked him to give it to me so I could pretend to get a rose from him. It was more like a role play I ask my students to do in class. I was stupid but helplessly romantic.

Now, Valentine's Day for me is a reminder of my first you-know-what. That was the day we you-know-what. I have never thought of celebrating the day to remind myself of the death of LOVE PRIEST. Never! Never! Never!. Happens that he started it, but it doesn't mean we cannot redefine it. We, among millions of other believers of other religions never really give a damn on celebrating the day the priest died. So, he had started it, then what? Are we not capable of thinking for ourselves? Don't we have the intelligence to redefine things in life? Is our faith going to fall to ground zero if we celebrate the day of love (redefined day of love; NOT the day St. Valentine passed away).

I have made my point but I am not expecting others to agree with me. I am not an accomplice to the day the priest died because I have given it a different meaning. It is the day to celebrate my first Dinner with him. My first Dinner ever, just the two of us, eating together and falling in love. Insanely in love. If I still celebrate it, does it make me a sinner, a weak muslim? If a Hindu or a Jew celebrate it, does it make him or her a weak Hindu or Jew?

Happy Valentine's Day and No, I am not celebrating he-who-died-for-his-love day, but the day, I met him.

Feel Like Eating Today

2009-02-11T20:10:00.007+08:00
Yes, in the morning I took it still I felt like eating. In the morning, I ate Behoon/Meehon (never really know which one is the right one). Feeling guilty to Pak Aziz, I went to see Tiara played Puteri Gunung Ledang. Hubby got the tickets for us and we drove to Istana Budaya a bit late. We parked quite far from the theater.

You can read the synopsis here...
I got this from the website:

Well, to me Tiara is just the right Gusti Puteri for the play. Hang Tuah does not quite match my imagination. To me, he is just too white to be a warrior, a Malay warrior to be more specific. But then, I read that they were having trouble to find just-the-right Hang Tuah, therefore, Mr. Hughes is fine. AC Mizal, being the Javanese King, he is great. Really like his passion in being the king. King Mahmud, played by the guy I used to have coffee together with at Coffee Bean Ampang (not that we sat together like friends, I sat next to his table though) Adlin Aman Ramli, I could not think of other man to play that role. He's the right guy for it. I kinda like the magic shows that they have in the musical. THE PROP was superb! Man, I love being there. I love the nenek kebayans too.

I had a great time.
After the show I texted Eliza who was attending the class that I was supposed to go;
Me : Just done. Was really da bomb!!
Eliza: The live theatrical performance is always an enigmatic experience.
Eliza: Worth the 123? Go get pics..
Me : Worth it! (Then I asked myself, was it worth it to miss a ten per cent assessment for Pak Aziz's class?)

It was astonishing and impressive the whole show. Can I say that Istana Budaya has the world-class stage? Or maybe the whole world has known this since forever and being the ignorant me, I have just realized it?

I have longed to watch a musical as such for a long time. Glad that I still could relate what I have learned in that Introduction to Theater class in Memphis to the play. Wouldn't it be nice to watch William Tennessee's A Streetcar Named Desire to see Stella!!!!

Allo! Back to PGL. Man PGL was the bomb! I like the sexy Gusti Puteri Retno Dumilah. Hang Tuah to me is just another pretty face in the Malaysian Theater Scene. Well, I just think a more malay-like man could have done better. However, I was impressed by his ability not to speak like 'orang putih' trying to speak Malay.

I had snapped some photos but, won't be sharing them now. Will do that in the next entry, I hope. Thank you hubby for doing this for me and with me.

Let's get back to the entry title; as we reached home, I just had to eat. So, I took 5 tablespoon of rice, two chicken that Bibik had cut into small pieces and some sayur-sayuran. It seemed the pill didn't mess my system up today. I had appetite: that is good, ain't it?

I know, I know, I know

2009-02-09T20:23:00.009+08:00

Most of you are kinda disappointed with me. I have suddenly stopped blogging (assuming there are some people out there do read my blog). Blame it on the headache. I have been having this excruciating pain in the head since I took the diet pills. I am done with exercising because I obviously have no discipline in doing it rigorously and I am done with trying to stop myself from eating non-stop.

The effects of taking the drug so far are not something that I can be proud of. The tantrums I have been throwing around the office and my home and the sudden mood swings, from so happy to sooooo sad make me not so wanted to be around by others. This is not good for me but so far the drug has been good at being the anorexic agent. It helps to stop me from thinking about food all the time. Now, the sight of food makes me sick!

And why in the world am I sharing this issue that I have been having with all of you? Is it because I want to gain your sympathy? Definitely not. I need a mean to lose weight and taking this pill has helped me in the past. Hey, who wants to get married having doughnut in the midrift? I took them before, I had no problem. But then, I was single. Unattached! Less responsibilities. Nothing to worry about. No one to worry about me.

A friend was so concerned and she told me about her experience of taking this medication. She had the heart problem. So far, my heart seems okay: just too sensitive. That's all. I like it that I have no appetite to eat but then, I got so weak when I am not eating. The problem is, I don't miss food at all.

Well, this is the first weekend I am taking it and I don't think that I should be taking it for the coming weekend. It spoils my mood. Having to be depressed when having the people I love around me is just not nice. I need to be myself.

I am aware of the consequences but I am desperate. I am expecting understanding. I am desperate to shed some fats. To me, this is the way now. Health wise, it is a ok. Mental-wise... I need to work on that. A friend at the office said, it did not make any difference to her as I have always been stressed at work.

Well, one's personality can be altered by drugs. I am not going to allow that to happen, aren't I? Life is more complicated right now. Above all, hubby helped me to relax when he took me and the kids together with Bibik to Kuala Gandang to be close to the elephants. Here I am sharing some of the beautiful moments that we had. I was under the influence of the pill but then I could be happy too.

Headache

2009-02-05T12:14:00.000+08:00
What to do when one has unbearable headache??

MSG

2009-01-31T18:38:00.004+08:00
What is MSG?

I am currently blogging in my spacious hotel room in Kuantan. My roomate and I are very satisfied with the room and especially the bath room. DAMN the bathroom is actually the size of my roomate's master's bedroom she claimed. What can I say. I was at first saddened by the fact that I had to be placed here knowing the fact that all the events for IEEP (don't ask me what it stands for) not because I do not know but because I don't feel like saying the full name of the event.

We did not attend the session this afternoon. We left after lunch by hiring two cabs and each cost RM35. Not bad for a journey on a comfortable Wira from Beserah to Kuantan town. Daleen and I decided to take a siesta upon reaching the hotel room.

She wanted to have a hot bath. I am still going to talk about the marvelous bathroom. MAN! The tub was just nice. She had it first and then I had my first bubble bath after 10 years (Win and I had a bathtub in Apt 8, 3234 Southern Ave. 38111 Memphis TN). With creamy body wash Black Raspberry Vanilla (it was actually more heavenly if I had the bubble bath), I soaked myself in the tub. Reminiscing. Thinking about Apt. #8 in Southern Avenue. Down the memory lane when the flesh had no scars of operation after operation and after operation. Those were the days of flawlessness.

I should be talking about what I am doing here now. Since the stay at this luxurious hotel is fully paid by my employer. Prof Dr. Hjh today preached about research again. We just have to do research and it is paramount for us to apply for research grants. RM5000 is too much for Chad and I to handle. I mean, so far, we have been using our own money to do everything for our 'pending' research (by the way, Chad is so upset that I did not want to go to Florida to present our paper that we have been working on since ice age). What am I to do Chad? Can we just resend our abstract to the same conference for next year Maybe????

The whole IEEP this year is about research. A field that I love doing. I have to finish my blogging thesis. But, am I up to it? Lately, like my research with Chad, I have been shelving my own research that eventually will give me the credential to have another step to the title DR. Yup!! my, my how ambitious I sounded.

Prof, insyallah Chad and I will finish our study and will one day publish the research in a credited journal with ISI. We will make the uni proud. Again, my my how ambitious one can be.

Now, we have to be ready for the Arabian Nite gathering. The Arabs in our Center would be proud because we are eventually adapting something from their culture even if it is just the dresses we are going to wear that will represent their culture.

Hey... got to get ready for the dinner.

My Bro

2009-01-29T16:44:00.004+08:00

These kids are my angels. Amir is my favourite brother since he's the youngest. He's not the youngest technically speaking. We have another brother, Arif, from my dad's other marriage and he is younger than Amir. I always forget to include him in the family tree. Very very nasty of me but I love him nevertheless. Here I am having less momentum to write or to blog because of the virus that infested my Joybook. I am blogging using a laptop, a courtesy from the institution I work at and for. Are all universities in this country providing a laptop for the academic staff? I doubt that, but if they do, good for them. Do some welfare for those who have to travel far far away to work from home everyday. I mean everyday.

But then, who am I to complain? I have agreed to work here and even in the agreement, they have said that they could easily transfer me from A, to B and maybe to C. If they have the rest of the alphabet, they might send me to all. But then, I cannot complain. I should be grateful that I have this permanent job at this prestigious uni therefore I should be thankful to them for hiring me to work here. Aye Aye to the Dean and the institute! The institute of higher education is the place where people practice soft control the most! What can I say? I am part of it.

Back to my Bro, Amir. I named him Amiruddin. At first my father, his father, wanted to name him Amir. Just Amir. I had my reason for wanting Udin attached to him name. I was 16 when he was born, I was at the peak of my teenage hood. I had a boyfriend and his name was ... (let me just reserve him the humiliation for being an on and off bf for 4 years or so). I bet, most of you and of course my handsome husband know his name.

Back to my Bro, Amir, once again. He is now the favourite uncle of my girls. Look at them together! They are more like brother and sisters. Well, from my ragged and exhausted all the time appearance, people can easily mistake me for being his mother. For god's sake! Those people must be blind or blonde! I still look gorgeous in my overweight body! I have no gallbladder and appendix (self-pity AGAIN).

Back to my Bro, Amir once once again. He is now officially off the soft control. Now, he is not staying with mother, he is staying with my uncle, his uncle in Nilai, where I am currently out-casted (this is a different story all together). He is helping an uncle to sell roti canai, the food that I have stopped eating since I lost my gallbladder to Dr. Koh.

I am worried about him, back to my brother Amir. I am worried about his future. He doesn't know what he wants to do in his life. I don't know what he can do in his life. I want him to be someone, someone who is himself. I want him to get the good education that will ensure him good job so that he one day can have his beautiful family like mine. He has to succumb to the system that will only allow him to succeed if he confirms with it. The system here is the education system that will ready him for a better future, just like what have happened to me, you and you. Education is the only way for my family members to get out of misery (another story to tell one day if God allows).

So, Amir, I love you and your nieces love you dearly too. We want the best for you and we are not sure whether you want the best for yourself too. I hope you do, dear brother.

Back to moi: I am going to Kuantan or Beserah for the weekend. Another form of soft control that I am participating in. What A LIFE!!

Virus!

2009-01-27T16:31:00.002+08:00
I lost the momentum when my hubby told me that my Joybook was infested by virus... one hundred something viruses...

I lost the momentum to write and to blog and to do my assignmentS for classes.

I lost the pictures in the laptop since it had to be reformatted.

Damn damn damn... my office laptop has the same virus problem too.. have to send it to IT department to get it cleaned too. Too much things in there to lose.

Aiya caramba!! Hope the momentum will come back. Soon I hope...

Mr. Pausch I am going to read you alright!

Once Upon a Time

2009-01-22T13:12:00.008+08:00

When I was little, I loved to eat ice-cream. I would eat all types of ice-creams, i.e. ice-cream sold by the man on motorcycle with alluring jingles of Nestle or other brands of ice-cream. I have always have tonsillitis and eating ice-cream of the kind would cause me to have fever, really high fever that then would cause trouble to my mother as she was working. My grandfather would have to take over the responsibility of tending to my needs whenever I was not well. The old man sponged me, fed me and pampered me.

I still love ice-cream but no longer the ice-cream sold by dark-colored men on motorcycle with the jingles that allured me. I have grown the love to eat a more high quality ice-cream, better taste and more refined. I used to eat Ben and Jerry and my favourite flavor was Buzz Buzz or the Chunky Monkey. But then, I don’t eat the Ben and Jerry here... they are just unaffordable for me. I have to settle for Baskin Robbins and other local ice-cream produced locally.

Hagan Dazz used to be the talk of the town in my small community in Memphis. Win and I would never run out of supplies of Hagan Dazz because they were just plain cheap. Anybody even struggling foreign students from Malaysia could afford a pint of Hagan.

So, that’s the story of my life. However, it is with whom you eat the ice-cream matters... I now have the girls and hubby to eat ice-cream regardless of brands with. That matters!

No picture of above mentioned ice-cream is in possession. Therefore, we have to settle for the cake.